First a list of one thing that I liked from each console just to soften the blow.
Sony: The Last Guardian… even though that bird aye aye thing is really ugly.
Microsoft: Rare Replay… but then I see Banjo & Kazooie’s Nuts & Bolts model on the cover, ALERT: FOREIGN CONTAMINANT
Nintendo: Star Fox: Zero… Amazing! I can’t believe the N64 is getting a new game!
I don’t want to believe that I purposefully victimize Nintendo but they make it so damn easy and to be honest, with all the garbage they’ve pulled as of late, they deserve it. Their long record of incompetent business decisions and failure to adapt to the real game industry somehow never seems to phase them. They’re like Inspector Gadget or Mr. fucking Magoo. They keep doing stupid shit, completely oblivious to their environment and they continue to survive on sporadic bursts of dumb luck and even dumber consumers. Not this time. This is where the pendulum finally swings back. Mr. Magoo just got hit by a truck.
Everything seemed to be going fine or at least mediocre for Nintendo until what was expected to be their big presentation on the final day of E3. Ryu is in Super Smash Bros. 4 for some reason. Are people still talking about that shit? How long has that game been out now? The addition of a character to an already decent sized roster will never be something worthy of hype or even an E3 announcement, especially when it’s just another fighting game character you’ve already played as in seven different Streetfighter titles.
Anyway, Nintendo spent an inordinately long time talking about Yoshi’s Wooly World which is a game that is coming out in like a week and everyone is already well aware of so basically they just pissed away 10 minutes of E3 prime time. A big focus for them seems to be connectivity with amiibos here, which I will talk about in detail later. They are seriously touting the feature of unlocking shitty little character costumes for Yoshi with Amiibos as a primary component of the game. I’m not just throwing that word around either. A lot of the costumes really do look shitty. Humanoid characters don’t translate very well to Yoshi’s ugly bulbous frame.
They end up putting the face on his nose in some cases. For the Mario costume, he gets this stupid ass mustache wrapping around his nose and a face reminiscent of an FAS victim. With the Samus costume, her visor goes on his nose which is nowhere near Yoshi’s eyes. Then he has an armored diaper for some reason.
What the hell is the point of this? If you’re going to make a character inspired costume, then do it and actually think about what you’re doing. This looks bad and it makes no sense so don’t do it or it comes across as trying to shoehorn unnecessary shit into the game, which is exactly what it is. Many of these don’t look like designed costumes adapted to Yoshi. It looks more like you shrink wrapped a picture of a character around Yoshi and then called it good however it ended up. Try putting a little bit of fucking effort into it.
And on a side note the current character model for Yoshi looks terrible. His face is literally made up of primitive geometric volumes stuck together. It appears as extremely lazy design because it looks like there was no finessing or second draft or maybe that you had technical limitations that only allowed you to render basic forms. If you remove his eyes, his nose is bigger than his fucking head.
They also talked about Skylanders with Amiibos which is just gilding the lily. Oh, Nintendo. You’re so naive. For some reason you still believe that it’s 1994 and children are interested in your home consoles and don’t prefer things like Call of Duty and Halo. In reality you’re making products for a nonexistent child demographic that are actually being consumed by thirty-year-old men which is disturbingly similar to the MLP brony phenomenon.
Nintendo also talked about Mario Maker which is a game where you can create your own Mario levels using a variety of old school Mario assets. You can also play user created content. It’s kind of like Little Big Planet but with no professionally built story mode and like a fifth of the creative possibilities and honestly doesn’t look as fun. But I’m betting building stuff is going to be a hell of a lot easier with the tablet controller. It’s interesting but not enough to be a full priced stand alone game. The only playable content as far as I know is going to be user created which is always going to be 99% shit in any community. Oh and don’t forget the amiibo connectivity!
They didn’t say anything about the new Fatal Frame game which I believe is getting localized in the States. Last E3, I complained that they should be utilizing their rights to the franchise with the capabilities of their ill used tablet controller. They actually did it… in Japan. I don’t know anything about it or whether they integrated it well with the tablet but hey, it’s theoretically a step in the right direction.
Those are the things I recall that probably only I took issue with. Many Nintendo fans would lap that shit up, no questions asked like usual. But now we move on to the powder keg. These are the things that were so atrocious and despicable, so sacrilegious and demoralizing, that they actually snapped some fans, (the one’s intelligent enough to retain their independent thought,) out of their ether-like nostalgia haze long enough to express disdain for something with a Nintendo label on it.
