This just in; anime getting worse…
When I first saw promotional pictures for this show on the internet I thought they were just original pieces by some crackhead with way too much time on their hands. I didn’t think there was any way a concept with anything like this in it could be given the green light for production. How naïve I was… I’ve seen some retarded shit in my day but Strike Witches redefines the term. There is no word that even comes close to describing how ridiculous it is.
The year is 1944; instead of committing wartime atrocities in China and the Philipines, Japan is a key player in the employment of a new technology that allows magical loli catgirls to fly through the sky while discharging rocket launchers and machine guns. (Sounds like a reasonable premise to me.) A handful of girls from various countries you’ve never heard of are apparantly the only thing defending the planet from a mysterious enemy called Neuroi. (They’re like the gnosis from xenosaga but more like the angels from Evangelion.) The machines that the girls use to fly are called strikers. They’re basically two torpedoes that encapsulate all of both of your legs making the wearer look almost as lethal and badass as Mr. Rogers when he’s feeding his fish. For reasons unknown these girls can use magic, (hence the term “witches”), which they use to fly and create shields to block enemy fire. Also for reasons unknown, whenever the girls are in magic mode they grow a pair of cat ears and a tail. Now honestly, why does this need to happen? It’s like they just stuck it in randomly. Why do they have two pairs of ears? Can they hear better? Is that important? Do the cat ears even work at all? What’s the point? I’m aware that some people find this shit highly erotic but to tell you the truth, I fucking hate anime catgirls. They’re not cute or sexy, they’re just annoying and stupid. And in this case, totally unnecessary. Actually not all of them have cat attributes. A couple are dogs I think and there’s also a bunny. But that still doesn’t make it any less stupid. Now that I think about it this show is like what you get when you put a dozen random anime genres through a meat grinder.
The whole idea of training frail little girls in aerial combat is moronic. Wouldn’t that be the worst possible candidate ever? If the job requires you to one-hand a giant .50 cal while rocketing through the sky to kill aliens in mid air dogfights while half naked, would they be mentally OK with that? *I* wouldn’t be. I’m sure it would be an utterly terrifying prospect to any sane person. In reality who would they find that was suicidal enough to do something that stupid. And then there’re the other problems that they don’t address like wind chill, chapped skin, thin air, and red outs. Fighter pilots in exposed cockpits wear flight jackets, scarves, hats, and goggles. You think maybe that means that wind is a hazard? Maybe they need to be wearing something other than a fucking two-piece swimsuit. Actually there is one episode where two of the girls fly a biplane and dress up in aviator gear. So what they’re saying is that the only time you need to wear wind protection is when you’re partially protected by an airplane but *not* when you‘re completely exposed to the wind.
Anatomically speaking, no one would even be able to put on a pair of strikers because you wouldn’t be able to get your feet past the entrance. If you actually watch them put them on, the tops of their feet are parallel to their shins. In other words, their ankles are bent so that their toes are pointing strait down while they stand strait up. Never mind that it’s impossible, imagine holding it like that for the entirety of your flight. And why don't they wear parachutes or something? If they get shot down at low altitude over water they're probably fine but what If they're fighting over land or even high over water? Well they're fucked aren't they. Not that I care or anything. I really wouldn't mind if they all died. While watching the show there was always the tiniest vestige of hope that someone would die. They are in a war after all. But no they have to have everyone live happily ever after ‘n’ shit. How annoying. There was death in South Pacific and that was a musical. That's as idealistic as it gets. A girl died in Gunslinger Girl, a similar anime, a much better anime too. I kind of feel dirty just for comparing them. Although in a duel I think the strike witches would win since they have infinite ammo and never have to reload thanks to the creators spending little or no time on details not involving a closeup of an ass.
Aside from being able to make a magic shield, there’s no reason why they should be doing this. Why do they even use strikers at all? Why don't they just use airplanes? Or better yet, broomsticks? And let me just say that for a show supposedly based on magic, making shields is about the lamest use for magic I’ve ever seen.
One of the more disturbing problems with the show is the lack of pants. I mean put on some pants you fucking hippies. How am I to believe this is a professional naval facility if there is absolutely no kind of uniform or even pants. Everyone just runs around in bikinis usually with a random naval jacket thrown on. Imagine watching Tora Tora Tora with Admiral Yamamoto giving orders in a thong. This, coupled with the random animal ear thing makes it impossible to take any of the show’s “drama” seriously. I've heard it argued that pants would interfere with the strikers and that it would waste precious time to take off your pants in the middle of an air raid. If this was true, other non-witch females would wear pants or something normal but they don't. And you don't see fire fighters hanging out at the fire station in fire jackets, fire pants, helmets, and oxygen masks and they're under similar time constraints. And that's actually a lot of stuff to put on. All the strike witches have to do is jump in some dumb-looking propeller legs and away they go. And on a side note, ignoring the fact that the bikini hasn’t been invented yet, any woman wearing one in public in 1944 would probably be arrested for public indecency.
Your average Strike Witches episode usually goes something like this:
Pre-intro teaser making empty promises like plot, character development, and/or action.
Intro, (which has more action in it than all of the actual episodes put together, except maybe the first and last ones.)
Girls interact/Fondling ensues
Sitting at a table
Blatant lesbian overtones
One minute of flying
Bulging vaginas
Upskirts or more fondling
Outro
Next episode preview
The plot and setting are secondary to the fan service. Hell, they’re tertiary. They should have just made a yuri porno and save what could have been a very interesting WWII alternate reality for another anime that wasn’t just dicking around. The show’s actually based off of a manga but you get my point.
In episode seven, (Nice ’N’ Breezy), we see just how crippling going pantsless can be. One girl’s bikini bottoms go missing so she steals someone else’s. Then that girl has to steal some from someone else and so on until everyone is scrambling around to reclaim what’s theirs, always with someone left half nude. Apparently everyone owns only one pair of bottoms/panties or is too much of a dumbass to go to their room and get another pair. Or maybe logic is just irrelevant when trying to meet your arbitrary crotch and ass shot quota per episode. If there’s a perfectly reasonable excuse for occasional fanservice then fine but don’t just cram it down my throat. And it couldn’t hurt to make some of them look a little older. You can’t go five minutes without seeing some eleven-year-old’s camel-toe. I know pedophilia is all the rage in Japan but lets try to show a modicum of restraint here.
Episode five is entitled “Swift, Gigantic, and Soft.” Obviously they’re talking about breasts. (All except for the swift part. I’m clueless as to how a pair of tits can be swift.) Anyway, in this episode we learn that the main character Yoshika is a flaming lesbian who can’t stop fantasizing about her teammates’ boobs and has an irrepressible urge to molest them in a public setting. You think I’m exaggerating this…
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from anime it’s that all females are lesbians if not bisexuals.
In the last episode the witches have been disbanded and basically replaced by a single unmanned flying robot. It does their job better then they could ever imagine and generally makes everyone in the 501st Special Upskirt Division look like a pile of shit. Then they all died in a fire and no one remembered who they were. The end.
End... Get it?
