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WiiU
Once upon a time I loved Nintendo games. When I think 'beloved nostalgic video game' the first games to come to mind are Mario 64, Ocarina of Time, Pokemon Red and Link's Awakening. Those were the days. But then the next generation came along and suddenly there were three choices now: Xbox, Gamecube and PS2. I didn't really know where to go from there. I looked at the Nintendo Gamecube because Nintendo was all I'd ever known and it had been great so far. The console looked stupid, the controller looked stupid and there weren't any games that interested me. It's hard for me to know if at that point I grew out of Nintendo or Nintendo grew out of me. The continuation of my favorite games/franchises just didn't look appealing to me at all. Toon Link in Wind Waker looks like shit. Mario Sunshine is about washing things. For some reason, the fanboy parasite that had been implanted in my brain never flourished. I couldn't just buy a game simply because it had Mario or Link in it. Both of those games are fun... probably. But they look stupid/ugly so I don't want to play them. And that has been all I've thought about Nintendo since. The console looks stupid, the controller looks stupid and there aren't any games that interest me is exactly what I thought about the Gamecube, exactly what I thought about the Wii and exactly what I think about the WiiU.
Nintendo didn't do a big flashy press conference at E3 this year because they're idiots. They have a bad system launch with a weak line-up of games followed by mass confusion. Then a chance to set everyone straight arises with E3 and what do they do? Avoid the big stage. Yes, that will surely work things out. Good thinking, Nintendo. But I guess they didn't really have anything to show. They did some smaller Nintendo Direct thingies where they unveiled... a slough of underwhelming and predictable games everyone had already seen.
OH MY GOD! The WiiU is going to have Mario and Zelda on it? STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! I guess I should just be impressed that it's going to get ANY games at all... even though it's not any time soon. You know what got people really excited? Megaman being confirmed in the new Super Smash Brothers about ten years too late. What's the matter? Did you finally run out of Mario characters so you have to resort to putting something of substance in now? This really shows how overrated and blown out of proportion SSB has become because people literally hang on Nintendo's every word when they're making a roster. Every time another character is confirmed, it generates as much if not more hype than if they announced a new game starring that character. It's just one big circle jerk and it's so pathetic that people shit themselves over this. I need to get a WiiU because Megaman is going to be on the roster of a game coming out in a year. Does that make any sense to you? Well it does if you're a retarded fanboy.
Why does Megaman look like a dwarf toddler? Isn't Megaman a... man? His N64 model looked better than this... And they still don't have Simon Belmont. It's like there was some kind of renaissance where they went through all their characters, (Megaman is Capcom but whatever,) and made them all look like shit for every game then on. They've zeroed in on the uncanny valley. I seriously just hate their style now because they can't seem to make anything that doesn't look stupid, ugly, infantile, or possesses even a shred of dignity except for maybe Metroid... which they didn't show.
Back when I enjoyed playing Nintendo games THEY DIDN'T LOOK LIKE THIS! You can not tell me that this shit is meant for anyone mentally past the age of five. And if you are not absolutely sick of Mario by now, you are either too young to have gotten bored yet or you have a mental disorder.
Things that weren't Mario and Zelda included Bayonetta 2. A WiiU exclusive sequel that shouldn't exist to a game that was fucking stupid. The combat was top notch but everything else about it was fucking stupid. I know because I own it. The game sold bad and didn't make enough profit to spawn a sequel. Everything was exactly how it should be but then Nintendo decided for whatever reason, (probably because it's stupid and Bayonetta is repulsive,) that it was worth picking up.
You know what would have been interesting? Something actually new and refreshing made by Nintendo or just something unexpected. Nintendo unfortunately owns the rights to Fatal Frame now. They could theoretically make a Fatal Frame game where you use the stupid tablet controller as the viewfinder of the camera. Wouldn't that be something? No, it wouldn't because it's not Mario or Zelda.
I think I've finally figured out what Nintendo is doing and it kind of disturbs me. They're crippling themselves and it's on purpose. They're narrowing their scope to a critically small range to pinpoint a niche market of players... their own fans. Nintendo superfans. Yes, they're targeting people that are already brainwashed and loyal to their company. They cut out the rest of the potential market by not doing a press conference and they're pigeonholing their games by bailing out all of the third party developers and not focusing on any big new IPs. At this rate, the WiiU is just going to be a one trick pony Mario and Zelda box for their mindless fans that lack the capacity to care about anything else. If Sony's PS4 only had Infamous, God of War, Resistance, Little Big Planet, Uncharted and WipEout games, that would get pretty fucking stale and boring but it looks as thought that's what Nintendo is shooting for.
Assuming Xbox One stays delusional, this generation is only going to be one and a half consoles: The WiiU with only Nintendo Games and the PS4 with literally EVERYTHING else. Their presence at E3 consisted entirely of remakes, sequels and rehashes. Nintendo is the new Apple, once great but now stagnant and bricking itself into a corner with its cult of slaves.
Playstation 4
Sony had a gigantic leg up in E3 in that they went after Microsoft's Chernobyl of a presentation and really that was all that they needed. They came out and said "We won't be doing any of that bullshit that Microsoft is doing" and everyone's like "I'll take ten PS4s, please." Other than that, the PS4 looks... okay... except that they'll be charging for online now. I think just for multiplayer. I'm not a big multiplayer guy so whatever. It's still stupid though. Why does it cost to play multiplayer on a console but it's free on a PC? Are console's just assholes? Probably.
For the longest time, Sony didn't say anything about the actual PS4 console, just the controller which I don't give a shit about. It's a controller. That's like if a car company was unveiling a new car and all they talked about was the fucking steering wheel. If this wasn't the video game apocalypse, the PS4 would probably be considered decent/okay but since the standards have been drastically lowered, people went ape shit fanatical over features that we've had forever. We just took them for granted until they were finally jeopardized by Microsoft. These are just simple things that Sony wouldn't have even mentioned if Microsoft hadn't made them a huge deal. But they DID make them a huge deal and suddenly those simple things became a pivotal selling point. Sony did say that the emphasis would be on games which people liked. Well no shit, it's a game console. But it's not like they brought out a game or added some kind of groundbreaking innovation that got everyone excited. They just weren't insufferable scumbags.
Microsoft: Our new system stabs you in the face when you pick up the controller.
Sony: Our new system DOESN'T stab you in the face when you pick up the controller.
Audience: *deafening cheers*
We're seriously all on board with Sony just for doing the same old and not raping us but also because they told Microsoft to go fuck themselves. And I have to say, good for them. I really missed the Sega/Nintendo slur campaigns of the 90's. No one really wants to rock the boat anymore but when your opponent digs a hole that deep and you know everyone hates them, how can you resist? Sony at E3 was exactly like the scene at the end of Oh Brother Where Art Thou where the governor campaign subplot is resolved. The new candidate goes on stage interrupting everyone's fun, says he's a member of a KKK lynch mob and proclaims that fun is now over. After he gets booed and yanked off stage, the incumbent takes the mic and says, "Wow, that guy's a real dick. Bring the fun back out. Fun for all!" After that, it's just in the bag. So there you go, the prize for least shitty-looking new console goes to the PS4... because they weren't insufferable scumbags.
I've wanted to say something about all the next gen consoles just like I did for the last generation of consoles but I wanted to wait for E3 before I did it. After seeing Microsoft and Nintendo's hands, the coming E3 was something that I beheld with horror, a great juggernaut on the horizon. The destroyer of worlds. This is it, I thought. This is the end of video games. At least I have a giant backlog of games from a less shitty time, a simple time where consoles actually played games and didn't try to sell you Doritos. A time where you could own a game like you could own a movie or a car or a hammer. Oh, what we once had...
Xbox One
Does this really require any discussion at all? It's a cable box with the design language of the 1970's, only lacking the faux wood paneling. It costs the most out of the three consoles by $100. It's Kinect mandatory. It doesn't support used games. It has a DRM policy that requires it to have not only an internet connection but a paid subscription to Xbox LIVE or it locks you out. It watches you masturbate, reports you to HUAAC as a terrorist, rapes your dog and sets fire to your house. Yes, that's correct, It was designed by blind aliens that live in a cave. You would have to be completely fucking delusional to think people would want this.
Even after seeing what happened with Sim City's always online DRM disaster, Microsoft still thought it could pull off an entire console that does this. Perhaps it was too late to alter course at that point but it doesn't matter because you shouldn't have to learn this from example. Do some critical thinking and USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. What is the point of requiring online checks? It's to make piracy more difficult. So who does it benefit? Ultimately no one. It can only be at best for the consumer not a hindrance and at worst, it makes the system unplayable. For the company that makes the system it makes less people want to buy from them. It's a feature that only has negative effects that outweigh whatever 'good' it was intended to do. There's a Confucius quote for this; "Never use a cannon to kill a fly." You can't stop piracy. In trying to kill the unkillable fly, you just destroy everything around it. If you have to stop piracy so bad, then don't make games, because that is the only way. No one will be playing them anyway.
The no used games thing is really all they need to say to get me to not care about the new Xbox. Probably around 80% of my games are used because new games have an overblown price tag and I don't believe in digital copies. They're trying to strip away every basic freedom that players have enjoyed since day one of the first home console. Imagine if in the next election, one of the candidates said "If I become president, I will abolish the constitution. There will be no freedom of speech, no right to a trial or any of those other things that the government and law enforcement find annoying or difficult to deal with." Would you vote for them?
No, you know what? These aren't basic rights of people that play video games, they're basic rights of consumers in general. Right now you can go into your public library and borrow any number of intellectual properties in every medium including movies, books and music and enjoy them for free. But woe betide anyone trying to pull that shit with a video game, our most time honored and sacred of art forms. A new video game costs 2-3 times more than a new movie which has a comparable budget. Game publishers like EA essentially don't want you to be able to own their products, making greedy corporations like the MPAA and RIAA look like Santa Claus by comparison. Like I said in the beginning, a game should be just as easy to buy, use, loan and sell as a hammer. It's not magical. It's not the Second Coming of Christ. It's just a fucking product like every other product in the world. This holier than thou bullshit that video games have needs to stop but it won't. Why? It's all because we, (and by 'we' I really mean all you dumbasses out there,) allow it to continue by preordering and buying their shit at day one for $60. Then you buy all the day one DLC for it. Four hours later you're trading it in for $2 toward the next over-priced and over-hyped piece of shit.
But even you dumbasses have a limit, a limit which was finally found by Microsoft. So congratulations to you. When Microsoft peddled the Xbox One at their reveal and at E3, you didn't stand up and cheer "Yes, Microsoft! Yes! Please sodomize me with your endless and extremely convoluted list of totalitarian rules detailing what I can and can't do with MY games that I purchased. I can't wait to have a device in my home straight out of a dystopian sci-fi novel that watches and or listens to everything I say! And I love the added feature of needing to be connected to the internet for no good reason! It's so very useful and not at all a potential stumbling block!" Yes, good job, dumbasses. There may be hope for you yet.
