Noobz

A feature length advertisement about a group of people that go on a road trip to California to compete in a video game tournament. No, not the Wizard. Even worse. Noobz.

When I learned that this movie existed, I knew I’d be writing about it here if I watched it. I opened up notepad on my laptop in anticipation before starting it. Please don’t disappoint me. Oh rapture! What odium! The first five minutes is nothing but Xbox 360, Gears of War and Mountain Dew. Gee, I wonder who financed this… The thing that confuses me is that one of the main characters owns a MacBook which as we know has no place being in an advertisement for video games.

Also during this, douche bags are talking to other douche bags on the phone trying to organize a Gears of War match and before the movie even gets off the ground, I’m completely disengaged. Unfortunately we’re going to be centered around the dudebro culture for the duration. Why in the hell do these people have to exist? This is the single most obnoxious and narrow-minded group that plays games and the movie had to pick it for the main theme. That being said, it could have been a lot worse. They did tone it down significantly. I still literally had to hear the words ‘dude’ and ‘bro’ on a constant basis though.

Everything seems to take place in some kind of alternate universe where the only video game machine is the Xbox 360. At first I thought this was stupid, like every commercial I see where they obviously cherry-picked the people in it to create a scenario with unrealistic racial diversity. But then I thought. Isn't this actually what it’s like to be a dudebro? Only the Xbox and three shooter franchises for it exist. Isn't this technically an accurate depiction of these dumbfucks? Then one of them went to the game store where only more Xbox 360 games and accessories were stocked. Nope, it’s just shameless selective product placement. Nothing more. Still can’t explain that Apple laptop though.

Strangely the vast majority of the movie is not about video games which is really a downer when you see what else has to fill the void. Out of the four main characters, the closeted gay guy is more or less the only likable one. The dialogue is mind-numbingly boring and thoughtless. The jokes fall flat. This is actually really bizarre because often times there is a decent setup for a joke and then they botch the execution of the punchline. I've never been comically confused so many times in one sitting. Something will happen and then I’ll be wondering why I’m not laughing at it. Why the hell am I not laughing? That looked like it was going to be funny. It had potential. It’s just weird. Come to think of it, the whole movie is just a collection of seemingly unrelated and unrealistic events that all peter out and remain inconsequential to the… ‘plot.’  

There is also this side story involving the mullet guy at the mini-mart in Ghost World. He’s a washed up but rich arcade gamer who decides to reclaim his legacy by entering the same event in LA. (The Frogger competition, not the team match GoW thing.) It plays out exactly like any mass produced sports movie schlock involving Ben Stiller and/or Will Ferrell.

Adam Sessler is actually in this movie. He turns in one of the only two funny segments with his interview of the Black Assassins leader.

At some point the team goes to a strip club because… the movie poster might be considered slightly misleading if they didn't. But it’s one of those clubs for high school students where they only strip down to the underwear and don’t serve you alcohol… What do you mean they don’t have those? I’m not sure if I would think more or less of this movie if they actually showed boobs.

Why is this movie even called Noobz? The main characters in it are clearly ‘leet’ since they’re not only in a video game competition but also ranked highly in said competition. Oh yeah… the competition.

So at the end of the movie they finally try to bring everything back to the initial premise of the competition by actually having it. They play through several four on four team match-ups including one against their arch nemesis, Team Black Assassins, who they've never beaten previously. Why do they beat them now? Plot convenience. They didn't get better. They didn't exploit a weakness in the other team. They just beat them because they did. Woo…

You know, I haven’t really played Gears of War very much and never once online multiplayer but I do know that in general while playing a team match in a shooter, it’s very beneficial for teammates to stick together. Watching the game footage of the matches, I don’t think anyone did that. I expected a lot more plotting and tactics to be involved in a competition.

They go to the final match-up. It’s them against Team Pixies which is an all girl team. I don’t want to come off as sexist but… whatever, sure. It’s a fucking Xbox world. Remember what I said about cherry-picking earlier. The last three teams we see in the competition are the black team, the white guy team and the white girl team. They're all just token appearances. Equal representation is bullshit! Make it look real! 

The three game match is tied at one and in the last game all players are killed except for one on each team, the two who are incidentally dating. The guy gets up behind her and then… waits. Then she turns around and kills him. I don’t know why. Either he had a retarded brain moment or he didn't want to beat his new girlfriend. In a competition with real prize money, you do not show mercy to your opponent. I don’t care if they’re there because of Make-a-Wish Foundation. And in a relationship scenario, one of you is going to take the ‘asshole initiative’ anyway so it might as well be you getting some money out of it. If your relationship can’t handle that, your relationship is shit. Good job, fuckface. You came so far and in the end decided that your teammates meant nothing to you. A shitty ending to a shitty movie.