Kodomo No Jikan

This show is retarded… Though I knew I would hate it from square one. The plot is centered around this wuss teacher that just started teaching a third grade classroom at a new school. Actually I think it’s his first time teaching ever. So naturally the students walk all over him for about the first half of the series and then it becomes slightly lessened. The other main characters are these three school girls…
This whore, who flat out asks the teacher to do her. (I’m not even exaggerating.) Sixty percent of her is made of hair. She’s the main girl and “love interest.” Keep in mind that she’s in 3rd grade. The whole show is based on this fucked up relationship that can’t happen. The whole point is that the girl wants to go out with the teacher and the teacher is trying to keep her at arm’s length and himself out of trouble.

This violent dyke bitch. She has a crush on Whore because apparently there was some mandate in Japan recently put into effect that requires all anime to contain pointless homosexual themes. She wears the stupidest shit to school.

Who would have not just one but two sets of different ears? Are the black ears her formal ears? A polka-dot bowtie? And a parasol? Really? This is why schools have uniforms. Kids are too fucking retarded to dress themselves. She’s verbally and physically abusive to the teacher, basically making her one of the worst characters ever. On multiple occasions she kicks him hard in the crotch. I don’t know what the deal is at *this* school but where I come from if you pull that shit once you’re gone. Dyke is conflicted with being secretly in love with Whore and Whore being in love with the teacher.

These huge glasses. She’s the normal nice one. The only point of her existing is so people like me have a non-shitty character to identify with.

So on the new teacher’s first day he walks into his homeroom only to find that all the girls in his class are changing clothes there. Why they don’t change in the locker room is a mystery. Maybe it’s a special ed classroom? Whore of course doesn’t mind being seen nude by anyone at any time. Though at first she’s apprehensive about him but 15 minutes later she wants to have his children. Queue the NSFW comments and sexual harassment. The worst part of this is the teacher’s stupid reactions. Sometimes he’ll get mad and chase her. Sometimes he’ll just blush and stammer. There are never any consequences for anything. Everyone’s free to kick or fondle his crotch at their discretion. In reality he should just tell her to shut the fuck up or go see the principal.

There is a female teacher that is meant to be the obviously reasonable choice in relationships. Whore is jealous of her because she not only detracts attention from her but is superior in every way. Though every time they plan on doing something together he always runs off like a dumbass. And it’s always because of Whore. They’re about to leave to go drinking and he’ll go, “Hey, who’s that? Is that Whore? What’s she doing? Looking out of a window? Awesome! I’m so there!” Then he’ll amble away with no explanation at all to his date about where he’s going or what the fuck he’s doing.

After a while Whore becomes a clingy stalker. The teacher finally sets her straight on the *I‘m going to prison if you continue to touch me* issue. Of course she doesn‘t care. She gets pissed off and mopey when anyone sees her for what she really is; a manipulative child and an asshole. Yes you’re a kid; deal with it.

Later she decides to dress up like a boy because she notices that boys get to crawl all over him during recess. So she dyes her hair black and shoves it into the back of her shirt to make it look shorter. Apparently there is some sort of wormhole in her shirt that leads to an alternate dimension because I think her extra 30 pounds of hair would be impossible to hide otherwise, even without the eight stupid croquet balls attached to it. The guise only lasts for a little while until she finds that she’s to girly to take being thrown about and shoved in the mud. Awesome! If only she could be trampled to a bloody pulp it would be perfect.

Everything else is just the teacher enduring horrible punishments from Dyke and Whore.
Oh boy, I really want to start a serious relationship with a 3rd grader that shoves me in the pool and ties me to a railing.

Where exactly do you buy lingerie for children?

Whore’s home life kind of sucks. Her Father left after a divorce and her mother died of cancer. The person that takes care of her is her… cousin? No, it was her mom’s cousin. So what the hell does that make them? Anyway, he was there for some reason and her mom was raising both of them. Or maybe he just lived with them. They really didn’t explain this shit well enough. But the point I want to make is that the cousins were screwing behind Whore’s back. Her mom’s dying wish was that he ‘protect’ her. He brings this wish to fruition like he was a robot with a single prime directive, letting everything else fall by the wayside. He’s very overprotective but for some reason it only becomes apparent in the last two episodes. You also find out that they sleep in the same bed.

They never give any evidence of molestation. Not that it matters anyway. We’re all just victims of society and shitty parenting so it vindicates us of perpetuating the terrible behavior, right?

The ending was predictable; the classic NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS ending. Really, what did you expect? Teacher and student running away to live on an island together? At least one thing was realistic.

Don't stand so close to me.

Lost in the Nightmare

I’m kind of a horror game slut so when I found this game on the internet I thought, why the hell not? Lost in the Nightmare isn’t exactly a well known title. The circle of people that have actually played it might be able to cram into a phone booth together. The game was made in Turkey I guess. That would explain why the game is in Turkish. Well… it’s translated into English to an intelligible degree for the most part. There are times where you get phrases that obviously don’t translate to English too well.

The game isn’t survival horror , (which is probably the most popular sub genre.) It’s in first person and it’s more like a point and click adventure game with horror elements. The plot is that you’re a detective that came to the small rural town of Karabalta to investigate the disappearance of some kids that went camping a while ago. While investigating you get mixed up in this story about a supposed murderer in town that got acquitted and a legend about some occult guy who made some ritualistic killings. Anyway, you play as this guy…

Burak Guney, who bares a striking resemblance to Harry Mason from Silent Hill. In fact lets gestate on waking up from nightmares in strange places for a minute.

Huh, that’s weird… Did I mention that Burak’s “nightmare” took place in an alternate reality, much like Harry’s?

To help facilitate my anger better I thought it would be fun to include quotes from another review, antithetical of mine.

“The game is very story-driven. It uses a kind of a 'point and click' system, and has a similar feel to Silent Hill.”

No it doesn’t, unless you’re talking about the first person parts in Silent Hill 4 where you’re lighting candles in your apartment to exorcize demons from the wall. Silent Hill being story-driven is kind of an overstatement. The “story” usually goes along the lines of, some bad shit happens and then you ultimately have to get the one thing you want (your wife, your kid) and escape. Again, Silent Hill 4 is the only example of something with story. If anything, Lost in the Nightmare has *more* story.

“The graphics are just lovely.”

Yeah, they‘re perfect for the visually impaired. In fact they're so terrible that it’s extremely difficult to not see the above quote as pure sarcasm. Was “lovely graphics” the first thing that crossed your mind after viewing my couple of screenshots? Be honest now. The thing about this game is that not only does everything look like this but virtually nothing is animated and when it is it’s animated at an astonishingly choppy one frame per second, usually with only two frames that it cycles between in a loop. It’s important to know when a game was made before you go bashing it’s graphics. Now when does this look like it came out? 90? 91? Try 2005. Actually now that I think about it, it reminds me of the old Windows 3D Maze screensaver.

Man that thing kicked ass. I always wanted it to be a video game. It was always thrilling when the rat appeared on screen too. And when you got all surfaces in the maze to be the psychedelic pattern it was like a crazy acid trip. Hmm, maybe I should just review the screensaver.

“The author has done an excellent job. The music is excellent.”

This is actually true. The music *is* excellent. Though it becomes slightly less impressive once you realize that they just fucking ripped music straight from the Silent Hill and Resident Evil OSTs and stuck them in the game. I half expect “You’re Not Here” to start playing at the end credits.

“The replayability in this game is excellent.”

I never actually finished the game but I’m going to go ahead and say no it isn’t. The very nature of adventure games is that they have the lowest replay value of any genre. They’re as linear is it gets and once you solve all the puzzles, that’s it. You already know all the solutions and thus there are no more challenges. As for me not finishing the game, it wasn’t because I couldn’t take it anymore. The game actually had a glitch where it wouldn’t let me select anything from my inventory. Needless to say there was some critical shit that I needed to use to progress but couldn’t. Theoretically it might have been fixed if I had installed a patch before hand. But I was like “Patch? Pfffffff… Who needs that?” Speaking of interface problems, there seemed to be some screens that once you got to them there was no way to backtrack to where you just were. I kept walking down to the lake and then having to ride in the boat to leave the area because it was the only thing the stupid game would let me do.

“This is one SCARY game.”

Well I guess it has it’s moments. I think the fact that it’s in first person is a large part of it. I also played it at night with headphones too, and that always adds to any horror game. I have to say though that the crowning achievement of scary in the game was something that was probably never meant to be scary.
Imagine you come out of your room at the small two story hotel in some archaic backwards town in the middle of nowhere. You want to go get some ice from the lobby ice machine so you hop in the elevator and press L. You go down, the doors open, and you see this…

This is going to sound stupid but I think I jolted back in my chair the first time it happened. But seriously, this guy is standing motionless, alone in a dark room, apparently just *waiting* for you. When he was behind the desk and I first came to the hotel I was creeped out by him. Then he feels the need to pull this on me. There’s no amount of light that can make this guy look anything less than a murderous psychopath/child molester. But all the fucking lights are off in the lobby. What reasonable explanation is there that doesn’t involve him being dressed like his dead mother and perforating my chest with a butcher knife the second the elevator doors open?