Ever since I was little I’ve thought constellations were stupid. Yes it’s an interesting passtime, finding shapes in things like clouds and stars but only if it actually looks like something in the first place. Trying to put stuff in the sky that isn’t there is retarded. Very rarely do the constellations look anything like what they are labeled as. Why were those stars chosen to make them? And why that configuration? It just looks like some random assemblage of dots. You could pick any other star cluster in any corner of the sky for any constellation and get something just as good if not better. You can’t tell what anything is without an illustration overlay. But then that just makes you notice how terrible the constellation is when you see everything that’s missing from it. I don’t know who invented them or how but I’m pretty sure it went something like this:
Ancient Astronomer 1: Have you finished designating the constellations yet?
Ancient Astronomer 2: No, I still have to find Hercules, Orion, the entire zodiac, and some bears. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. I can’t find anything that looks like Hercules.
Ancient Astronomer 1: Wait, you’re trying to find stars that actually look like the names on the list? That’ll take forever! We need those constellations in by Monday.
Ancient Astronomer 2: Well I just thought…
Ancient Astronomer 1: You’re not getting paid to think. Just close you’re eyes, spin around and point. Think of it as assigning characters to parking lots at Disneyland.
This is Pisces, the fish constellation (and my sign.) Have you ever seen a fish this long that was bent at a 30 degree angle? Actually I guess it’s supposed to be two fish jumping out of the water. At lest you can see the path of the fish.
Here’s Cancer the crab. How anyone saw a crab in two intersecting lines is beyond me. Every time I write the letter Y I’ll think about crabs from now on.
This it Gemini, the twins. OK, this one’s acceptable. They both have heads and all of their limbs are there. And I like how it looks like the one on the left is helping his brother who apparently has a broken ankle.
This one is supposed to be Taurus the bull. I was always able to spot the V for the horns and just assumed the whole constellation was only a head. Now that I see it in it’s entirety, It looks more like Freakazoid running with his arms stretched out.
Here’s Leo the lion, (AKA a question mark grafted on to a triangle.)
I’m sure you’re already familiar with Ursa Major, (or the Big Dipper.) It’s supposed to be a bear but I can’t even tell which direction it’s going let alone that it‘s a bear. Since when do bears have spindly stilts for legs? And why only three of them? Or is that the fourth one sticking out of it’s ass? Or is that it’s head? Maybe that’s it’s tail and the pointy end is the head. But if that’s true why is the tail so damn long? Actually this looks more like a stilt strider from Morrowind or one of those big six-legged monsters from The Mist.
It’s a crown, whoop-dee-do.
Sagittarius: Wow! Doesn’t this look just like a centaur drawing his bow?! It’s so life-like it’s almost photo-realistic!
