Great Books For Children

On days off from work, I sometimes accompany my wife to her job at her after school tutoring program which happens to be in the library of our old high school. When I’m there I sometimes entertain myself by going through the library’s thousands of badly categorized books. Not really to read. The objective is more to find something weird or funny which is not all that hard to do.

Can’t you just see lawsuits from a bunch of parents of stupid kids that read this book and then purposefully gouged their eyes out so that they could get a magic wand just like Jenny.

Is this really a guide on how to watch orangutans? Why would I need that? And look at that poor cat getting kissed so passionately.


In the 60’s and 70’s there seemed to be only one genre of children's book and that was the adventures of any given animal with a stupid name.


Be sure to feed your pudgy beaver lots of wood.


I remember seeing this book at school as an immature child and making fun of the name. Fifteen years later and nothing has changed.


Yeah, you can go ahead and leave me off of that guest list.


Well… shit.


Settle down children and I’ll tell a tale of silly soviet mishap.


I don’t want to be a pervert or anything but you see it, right? Right? I’m not just a dirty bastard trying to insert inappropriate things into everything?


What the hell?

No, seriously, what the hell?


There’s nothing wrong with the subject matter of this book but look at the faces.

Look at them!


Probably a book about liking solitude and why it’s wrong.


Boy I remember many a sleepless night as a 10-year-old wondering this exact thing. If only I had known about this book. There can’t be anything more edifying.


I stand corrected.

Holy shit! For real? An entire series of martial arts books for kids? That’s awesome.


Well kids, the best way to learn is through doing.


That cover is cringe-worthy. What the hell could be inside? Do I really want to know? I like how the white man is playing golf while the other less developed skin colors are off engaging in more simple-minded savage affairs.


The story of Timmy, his paste eating addiction and the people it hurts.

The Adventures of Ecco the Dolphin

I do bite my thumb, sir.

My girlfriend bought me a deck of Shakespeare flashcards. Each one has a memorable quote of commentary from one of his plays. There is also a word missing from the quote. On the back of the card it has the missing word and the context of the quote. She started reading through the cards and of course we couldn’t get any right off the top of our heads. You pretty much have to already know the play. It’s not like you can infer anything from the Elizabethan sentence structure. You could insert any word and it’s an 80% chance that that’s a legitimate sentence. She read one that seemed ambiguously sexual and then said:

Her: “Elbows? I was thinking penis.”
Me: “Yeah, me too. Lets just insert the word penis into every quote.”

So here are my top ten favorite results of the above statement.

1. “Many a good [penis] prevents a bad marriage.”
---Twelfth Night

2. Octavius: “But he’s a tried and valiant soldier.”
Antony: “So is my [penis].” ---Julius Caesar

3. “There’s many a man hath more [penis] than wit.”
---The Comedy of Errors

4. “He has not so much brain as [penis].”
---Troilus and Cressida

5. “’Tis [penis] that doth oft make a woman proud; But God he knows, thy share is small.” ---King Henry VII

6. “Away you scullion! You rampallian! You frustilarian! I’ll tickle your [penis].”
---King Henry IV

7. “Thou wast born to be a [penis] to men.” ---King Henry VII

8. “To be slow in [penis] is a woman’s only virtue.”
---The Two Gentlemen of Verona

9. “Young men’s love… lies Not truly in their hearts, but in their [penis].”
---Romeo and Juliet

10. “Frailty, thy name is [penis]!” ---Hamlet